


a moment to breathe

by juniperwillows



Category: EXO (Band), NCT (Band), SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hugs, Mark Lee (NCT) Needs a Hug, Mark Lee (NCT)-centric, Mark Lee Deserves a Break, Mark Lee Gets a Hug, Misunderstandings, Overworking, Protective Byun Baekhyun, Protective Hyungs, Protective Lee Taeyong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:53:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27756439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/juniperwillows/pseuds/juniperwillows
Summary: He wondered what that would be like… to be just another college kid.Just… Mark Lee notidolMark Lee from NCT.It wasn't something he thought about often. He was happy with NCT, happy with his friends who'd become his family, happy to get to make music, perform on stage doing what he loved. He washappy.Then why did he feel like he was drowning?When it all gets to be too much, Mark runs away. (He doesn't get very far.)
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun & Mark Lee (NCT), Kim Jongin | Kai & Mark Lee (NCT)
Comments: 17
Kudos: 283





	a moment to breathe

**Author's Note:**

> Just wanted to write a fic where Mark gets a moment to breath and it turned into this.
> 
> This is a work of fiction and not meant to imply anything about real people or companies.
> 
> TW: anxiety, anxiety attack, hyperventilating, self-deprecating thoughts. Please take care of yourself!

It dawned on Mark, as the bus pulled out of the station and wound its way slowly out of Seoul, that perhaps this was not a well thought-out plan. There were at least a dozen better options, all of which were not only a lot less dangerous, but would also get him in less trouble in the long run. 

But this had been the quickest and the easiest, and perhaps the only one that Mark could actually handle right now. 

He tilted his head down as someone moved past down the bus aisle, counting on his mask, sunglasses, hat and oversized coat to keep him from being recognized. _Don't mind him, he was just another college kid taking a day trip, that was all._

_Just another college kid._

He wondered what that would be like… to be just another college kid. 

Just… Mark Lee not _idol_ _Mark Lee from NCT._

It wasn't something he thought about often. He was happy with NCT, happy with his friends who'd become his family, happy to get to make music, perform on stage doing what he loved. He was _happy._

_Then why did he feel like he was drowning?_

He let his head loll to the side, thunking against the window, and watched the buildings fly past, counting the light-posts until he got too dizzy to look anymore. 

He missed Vancouver for what must have been the first time in years. 

Missed the way the city lights reflected across the bay at night. The snow on the mountains in the distance like tiny glimmering crystals during the winter (it didn’t stay for long in the city, so near to the water). The way the suburbs seemed to _bloom_ when the cold finally abated. Even, impossibly, missed the almost constant rain in the spring. 

Most of all he missed the way things had been _simpler_ then. When he’d just been Mark. 

When he could walk down the street, face exposed, and didn’t have to worry about gossip sites, and fans, and sasaengs, what he was wearing, and how his actions could be misconstrued. 

The bus was at his stop and he stood, keeping his head down while he made his way to the doors. He stepped down into the pavement, wandering to the side while the other passengers dispersed, trying to look captivated by the map at the entrance of park. In the end, he just picked the stone path that looked the least travelled, and walked until the weight on his weight on his chest finally eased.

It had been nearly half an hour and he hadn't run into anyone, so he felt safe taking off his mask, breathing in the crisp scent of open air, the sweetness of the wildflowers in little clumps by the side of the path. 

_What… if… he could just pretend?_ That today he was Mark Lee, a no name university student, taking a trip on his day off. That all he had to worry about was a couple of assignments when he got back and what to do with his friends this weekend. No comebacks, no fansigns, no interviews, no concerts, no paparazzi. 

There was no one in sight, and Mark felt safe taking a seat on a wooden bench a few yards off the path overlooking a brook. The light was filtering in soft beams though the trees, illuminating patches of grass in golden slivers, and the stream next to the path gurgled quietly in the silence. While he watched, a couple of tadpoles no bigger than his fingernail darted back and forth in the still water at the side of the stream, nudging at the surface briefly before burrowing themselves back into the mud.

It was peaceful. It was still.

He felt like he could _breathe_ for the first time in weeks. 

Mark tipped his head back, feeling the warmth on his face, and let his eyes slip closed. 

_Peace._

  
  


For a while, everything was perfect. He listened to the wind in the trees, and the song of the water flowing softly, and his mind was finally quiet.

And then a frog began to croak on the marshy bank, and he thought- _Hendery_ _would hate that-_ and then like a dam being broken he couldn't help imaging them all there too, Taeyong splashing in the stream and Jungwoo picking wildflowers to stick in his members' hair and Chenle's laugh echoing though the clearing as Donghyuck snuck up on Jisung with a bug and and _shit-_

He sat up so abruptly that his head spun and he was left blinking stars out of his eyes. 

His phone, left at the dorms, forgotten in his haste to get to the company this morning. The sun, far too high in the sky, far past noon, hours after he was supposed to start dance practice with 127.

Everyone was probably trying to contact him. Management was going to be furious, his _members_ were going to be furious. Taeyong must be out of his _mind_ with worry right now. 

His heart was beating a staccato rhythm in his chest, and the sound seemed to echo, shifting the whole world off-kitler, the stream now just a little too loud, beating against the rocks, the breeze no longer combing at his hair, but tugging frantically at his jacket. 

_He was an idiot._

Idols didn't take impromptu days off, let alone _Mark,_ who had a thousand responsibilities including a group of his _own_ to lead, and didn't have the time to take even a half-day that wasn't already scheduled a month in advance, let alone disappear in the middle of _promotions._

They might actually _suspend_ him for a stunt like this.

Stumbling to his feet, he snagged his backpack and jogged back down the path he'd spent so long on, pushing his feet to move even faster as he caught another glance of the sun so high in the sky. 

_How could he have been such an idiot? Risking everything he’d worked for, for something like this?_

As the entrance to the park loomed ahead, far too slowly and yet all too soon, he fumbled to make sure his disguise was in place- mask, hat, coat- _sunglasses_ \- his hands met empty air.

_Shit._ He'd lost his sunglasses. Mark stumbled to a stop, sending one last helpless glance back up the trail. Those had been a gift from Johnny-hyung. But he didn't have time to go back. 

_Just one day,_ he prayed, _one day without the fans recognizing him_. There were no managers or bodyguards to run interference today. He wasn’t sure _what_ he’d do if the fans swarmed him when he was all alone. 

A peal of laughter broke through his thoughts as he approached the bay where the buses stopped to drop people off at the park, and Mark nearly tripped over his own feet, eyes going wide.

A familiar group of people were making their way up the path from the small parking lot with... was that a _camera crew_ following them?

Oh. Oh _no._

Was that… _EXO?_

It was unmistakably Kai's laughter that rang out, the man clapping his hands together. Mark twisted around quickly to face the other direction, panicked. 

_Oh, shit_ , that _was_ EXO. EXO with all their staff trailing behind, filming the idols wandering around. 

_What did the universe have against him?_

Even if the other members and the staff by some miracle didn't, Kai and Baekhyun would recognize him in an instant with or without his (admittedly hasty) disguise. And Mark couldn't bear the thought of having to explain everything to his sunbaes. His SuperM hyungs would probably scold him, and the staff would make a fuss and he would have interrupted their filming and put them behind schedule- _no._

Aware of them getting steadily closer, their voices growing louder, Mark looked desperately for a place to hide, briefly debating climbing into a trash can before nixing that idea quickly when he caught site of the rotting food inside. Wait- _the gift shop._

He was pretending to examine some very tacky magnets so the shopkeeper wouldn't get suspicious, when there was a jingle of a bell and loud voices.

_Because_ _of course likely-millionaires-and-global-idols-EXO would want to check out the cheap knick-knacks in a national park's gift shop._

He recognized Baekhyun's voice above the rest, taunting about how Kai owed him some prize for losing a competition earlier. Mark inched behind of the spinning postcard racks and tugged his hat even lower- it was practically at his nose at this point.

_Don't come over here, don't come over here, nothing interesting here,_ he mentally chanted, trying to will them back outside with his mind. 

He ducked his head as the postcard rack suddenly spun.

"Oh, I didn't realize anyone..." Sehun began, apologetic, but then his brow furrowed as he looked Mark over. “Wait a minute-” 

“No habla inglés!” he blurted out, despite the fact the man was speaking Korean and Mark hadn't even been aware he _knew_ that Spanish phrase.

He ducked to the side and around a display of sunglasses to escape the man’s confused stare, only to find his way blocked by another familiar face with a camera.

“Oh, my apologies.” Xiumin said, shifting so he could squeeze past.

Mark gave a bob of a nod beneath the brim of his hat, holding his breath, and tried to keep his face tilted away, because what a surprise it would be if he showed up in EXO’s vlogs. Lord knows the editors had spent enough time watching footage of Mark over the years to recognize him by his eyebrows. 

Unfortunately, this maneuver resulted in him nearly coming face to face with Kai, who had spent several months in close quarters with Mark and definitely wasn’t about to be fooled by a mask and a hat. 

To avoid this calamity, Mark ducked straight into one of the round clothing racks. Just. Shoved a few sweatshirts aside, and climbed right inside. 

It might not have been his brightest idea. Seems like this whole day was just a pile of Not Bright Ideas™.

It was _hot_ for one thing, having thirty sweatshirts half-draped over you from all directions, and Mark's unexpected arrival seemed to have sprung up dust from the floor. He'd only been in here for a few seconds and it was already tickling at his nose. Mark clamped a hand over his mouth for fear one of the staff would recognize him by his sneeze.

“I don’t really like the red though... Wait, here’s a blue one!” Baekhyun’s muffled voice filtered through, and Mark just had time to process that the clothing in front of him was blue before there was a screech of hangars and light flooded into his face.

“I’d say go with the blue, hyung. It suits you better.” Mark said, because his impulsive mouth moved quicker than his brain.

Baekhyun nearly jumped out of his skin, biting back a curse in the manner of one accustomed to being on camera. Then, it seemed to register who was in front of him, and his face split into a smile.

“Mark Lee!” he crowed, loud enough to echo through the whole shop.

_Oh shit._

Mark paled and mouthed, _“They don’t know I’m here.”_

To his credit, his hyung recovered quickly, holding up a random shirt and waving it around. “This looks like something Mark Lee would like!” 

Some of the staff turned in their direction and Mark ducked further into the sweatshirts. Chen wandered over, confusion spreading over his face as he caught sight of their dongsaeng half hidden in all the fabric.

Baekhyun quickly shut off his handheld camera and turned back to Mark, grinning.

“Why is it that you don’t want to be seen?” he asked, teasing. “Let me guess, did you sneak out for adventures on your day off? Don’t worry, hyungs won’t blow your cover.”

Chen’s brow was creased. He set a little stuffed rabbit he was holding back into the display and moved closer. “But… I saw 127 and Dream practicing before we left.”

Baekhyun's grin faltered, sliding off his face as he turned his gaze back to his dongsaeng.

“Mark.” his SuperM leader said slowly. “ Are you supposed to be back at the company right now?”

Shame clogged Mark's throat. He gave a tiny nod to the worn carpet.

Baekhyun’s eyes widened. 

“What are you doing here, then?” his voice was already scolding, and Mark hunched in on himself. 

“Does anyone know you’re here?” Chen spoke up, disapproval clear, and Mark couldn't even get any words out, they clogged in his throat, and withered into nothing, and all he could was shake his head.

“ _Mark_.” Baekhyun chided, shaking his head, already pulling out his cell phone. “They’re probably worried you got kidnapped or something, rushing around searching for you! If you have a schedule today, you can’t be selfish-”

_Selfish. He_ was _selfish._

_Why did he ever think this was a good idea? He was an idiot- a selfish idiot and he’d probably worried everyone and they were going to hate him for only caring about himself and rightly so-_

His eyes were watering again, and one tear finally slipped free, dripping down and melting into the fabric of his sweatshirt.

“Oh, shit.” All the anger drained from Baekhyun's face in an instant. “Don’t cry, Mark-ah, hyung's sorry he yelled-”

But Mark had started and now he couldn’t seem to stop, shoulders shaking as he tried to muffle his sobs. _He was selfish- so selfish- making everyone worry about him-_

Baekhyun was squeezing his arm comfortingly, asking him what was wrong, eyes alight with concern, but it only seemed to make Mark cry harder and finally the leader glanced across the shop, looking conflicted. “I’ll get Jongin-ah, okay?”

An awkward moment of Chen patting his arm and averting his eyes later, and the two were back.

Kai apparently didn’t need to question why his dongsaeng was standing in a clothing rack in a random gift shop for a national park an hour away from Seoul. He just took one look, eyes widening at Mark's tears, and beelined straight to pull him into a tight hug. 

“Jongdae-hyung, can you make sure none of the camera crews come over here?” the man murmur. 

It was probably a very expensive designer sweater that Mark was crying all over but he didn’t want to move and risk this ending. Everything felt quieter here, encased in his tall hyung’s arms, hidden away from prying eyes and the cameras and the staff and the coming storm with management and his members. Like nothing could hurt him. 

But eventually his tears petered out, and Kai’s grip loosened and Mark could sense that the time for questions was drawing near. 

_He had to take responsibility for his own actions anyway._

He took a deep breath and stepped back, hands twisting in the fabric of his coat.

"Mark, what's going on?" Kai asked softly. 

Baekhyun reappeared, pressing some tissues into Mark's hands, and squeezed his shoulder. Mark took a moment to hastily wipe his face free of tears, scrubbing carelessly since he didn't need to be careful of makeup today, and tried to gather his tangled thoughts into something coherent.

“It’s just…" he shifted from foot to foot, picking at the tissue in his hands. "I’m back in Dream now and we’re working on a new comeback and don’t get me wrong I’m so happy to be back with them, but 127 is also working on a comeback at the same time, and we’re also recording those things for SuperM, and I'm going to be a part of that special SM stage with Taeyong-hyung and Jaehyun-hyung and sunbaes which means even more extra practices, and now the variety show too-” Mark had to stop to take a shaky, gasping breath.

“ and I know that I’m lucky and I get all these opportunities, and I’m so thankful, I really I am, but I- just- I couldn’t breathe.” 

He brought his gaze up to look desperately from Baekhyun to Kai, wishing he had the words to explain.

"What do you mean, you couldn't breathe?" Kai's brow was already dipping in concern. "Do you think you're getting sick?"

Mark shook his head sharply, they didn't get it, they didn't understand, they needed to _understand_.

“I couldn’t _breathe_ anymore, and I walked all the way to the company, but I just couldn’t step through the doors, the closer I got the worse I felt.” He motioned at his chest, trying to illustrate the feeling he couldn't put into words. "I just- I couldn't- I needed to get away, I don't know I wasn't thinking, I just got on a bus. And I ended up here.”

Both them were looking at him so strangely that his stomach sank and tears pricked at his eyes again.

“But it was stupid and selfish and probably worried everyone and caused so much trouble for the staff and everyone’s going to be angry with me- who _complains_ about having _too many opportunities- it’s so dumb-”_

“Mark, _Mark_.” Baekhyun’s concerned voice filtered in through his ears, but it was all garbled and dull. “Slow down, you gotta take a breath, okay-”

But didn’t they understand, he _couldn’t breath, that was the whole problem here._

He stumbled back, back hitting the clothing rod with a thud, gasping, clutching at his own sleeves. 

_They were all going to be so angry. They’d hate him._

“Minhyung, please, you need to slow your breathing down- you’re hyperventilating-”

_No shit-_

“Mark- listen - take a-”

"Oh shit, oh- Mark, please, you need to _breathe_ -"

_Don't you think he would if he could!?_ he wanted to scream, but his lungs were too busy _not working-_

“Oh for god’s sake-” someone else broke in. “All of you back up, you’re crowding him.”

And then someone new was crouched next to him. 

“Hey, Mark-ah.” a quiet but firm voice said. “This is Chanyeol, okay? I need you to do something for me, it’s very important. Can you tell me about five things you can see right now?”

He managed to crack an eye open.

“Five things, Mark.”

“Um... clothes.” his voice was weak and gasping, but the words were _there_ and that seemed to be enough for his sunbae.

“That’s good, what kind of clothes do you see?”

_Why was this so important, when Mark couldn't breathe right now?? He could be dying, what if he was dying and he never got to apologize to his hyungs-_

There was soft snapping, bringing his eyes back to the man next to him. "Mark, hey, focus on me okay? It's really important, what kind of clothes?"

_And how could he ignore his sunbae, if it was something important?_

“Sweatshirts?” 

“Good, good, what else do you see? Number two.”

“.... carpet.”

“Can you describe the design?”

“Uh, brown…” he managed to whisper. “Scratchy.”

Chanyeol nodded encouragingly at him, giving him a small smile. "You're doing great, what about three more things?"

He could see a little more clearly now, and there was Baekhyun, crouched a few away in his expensive pants on the floor on this sub-par gift shop, face brimming with concern.

"Leader-hyung. Dust." Mark murmured, and then his eyes flickered upwards. "Ceiling tiles."

By the time he'd finished listing off things he could feel, hear, and smell, his breathing was almost (but not quite) back to normal, and his thoughts felt like he was trudging through molasses instead of riding a high speed train. 

Baekhyun glanced at Chanyeol almost as if for permission while Mark blinked up at the ceiling, trying to figure out what had just happened. When Chanyeol nodded, Baekhyun shuffled closer on the dusty floor, hovering just out of reach. "How are you feeling, Mark?" he whispered.

"... That sucked." Mark managed to say, except he might have used some more choice language, and the hushed whispers that followed revealed that at some point during his whatever that was, the staff had been alerted, and were hovering around him as well.

"Yeah, they're the worst." Chanyeol said, with a depth of understanding born only of experience. "Do you need help sitting up?"

Mark automatically shook his head no, pushing himself upright on shaky arms, and then found that he very much did as Kai barely lunged forward in time to keep him from cracking his head against the floor.

"Maybe you should stay down for a bit, okay?" Kai said, voice strained. "There's no rush. Is it alright if the medic checks you over?"

Mark managed a nod, eyes already slipping closed again, and found his head shifted into Kai's lap. He managed mumbled responses to the medic's questions, and barely even felt his limbs shift as the man checked him over for injuries and listened to his breathing.

"-should just let him sleep, he's got signs of over-exhaustion and stress-" he heard the medic say, and Kai shifted minutely under him and Baekhyun made an angry noise somewhere on his left, and questions were flying everywhere, but Kai's hand was carding softly through this hair now and he was drifting further into sleep...

Mark's eyes fluttered open. The ceiling of his room at the dorm shone softly above him and he blinked. And blinked again. He sat up, head spinning lightly, trying to remember how he'd gotten here, or had he _always_ been here, and the whole awful day had been a dream? 

Something stirred beside him and a shock of blonde hair poked out of the blankets. 

"You're awake!" 

Mark winced, a headache coming to light at the noise.

"Oh, sorry." Chenle whispered.

There was a soft grumble and movement in the dim light and Mark realized for the first time that there was someone else curled at the foot of the bed. Donghyuck sat up, wiping a hand down his face, and stilled as he caught sight of Mark awake.

"You're up." His voice was flat, shoulders tight. 

_He was angry._

Mark felt sick. _Not a dream then._ "Donghyuck-"

"I'll go get Taeyong." he cut Mark off, sliding off the bed and disappeared out the door without a glance back.

"We were so worried." Chenle whispered. He reached out to clutch at Mark's sleeve, eyes shiny. "I couldn't eat anything at lunch, we thought maybe you'd been kidnapped, management was already in contact with the police when EXO's manager called-"

" _Chenle_." Taeyong warned from the doorway. The boy glanced at him, and then back to Mark, and closed his mouth, shoulders slumping.

"Why don't you head back to your dorm now? Now that you know Mark's okay."

Chenle looked for a moment like he was going to protest, but Taeyong's expression was made of stone, and the younger deflated, squeezing Mark's hand briefly before slipping out the door. 

"They all fought over who would get to stay with you." Taeyong said, eyes on the wall instead of on Mark. "Donghyuck won, but Chenle was crying and no one had the heart to make him leave too."

Mark's stomach twisted with guilt. 

"Hyung-"

"Are you hungry?" the leader said abruptly. "Kun made some food for you, if you're up to it."

"I- well, hyung-"

"I'll bring it." 

The click as the door shut behind him, leaving Mark in darkness, felt very final. He suddenly felt the lack of Chenle's and Donghyuck's presence, the room somehow colder than before, and oh so silent. 

_They were angry with him. Angry and disappointed. He had to- he had to fix this._

He threw off the covers, ignoring the aching of his head and the way the floor seemed to spin under him, and forced his unsteady feet to stagger towards the door. He sped up his pace once he had the hallway wall to lean on for support, eager to catch up to Taeyong, but voices were filtering over from the living room, steadily growing louder in volume, and Mark faltered, stilling. 

"-warning signs had to have been there."

"It's _Mark_ , some days he's just quieter, and then the next he'll be back to his normal joking self. He's responsible and he talks to us, he's the last person I expected to _run away._ "

"This is..." a frustrated huff. "This is unacceptable. This never should have happened."

Mark couldn't help a little, shaky breath. Yuta sounded more furious than he had ever heard him, and if _Yuta_ was angry at him this there was no chance the others wouldn't be too. 

_Why wouldn't they be?_ _He'd let them all down._ Something heavy settled in his stomach. 

And there was Baekhyun's voice agreeing, dark and grim. "You're right. We can't afford these kinds of mistakes."

Mark didn't realize he was crying until a warm tear dripped off his chin and splattered against the arm he had folded tightly across his chest. 

That's when Jungwoo turned the corner from the living room and kitchen, a tray of food carefully balanced in his hands, nose crinkled in concentration. His eyes went wide as he caught sight of Mark standing there in the dim light.

"Mark-ah." he gasped and the conversation in the other room immediately cut off. 

Not two seconds later, Donghyuck appeared in the doorway. "Why are you standing here in the hall?" he snapped, "You shouldn't even be out of bed."

Mark's lungs took that moment to betray him with a shaky sob, and the boy's eyes widened, the ire slipping off his face, replaced with panic. "Wait, are you _crying_?"

There was commotion from the living room and suddenly the hall was swarmed with people and questions and _too much noise._ Baekhyun must have seen something in his expression, carving through the mob of concerned hyungs to tug Mark into the living room. The SuperM leader gently pushed him to sit on the couch, the others hovering around, still clamouring. 

"All of you be quiet before we make this any worse than we already have." Baekhyun ordered and even Taeyong quieted down, glancing at Mark's obvious panic and his face filling with something dark.

"You should eat something Mark." Baekhyun said, motioning Jungwoo over with the tray, "You're probably feeling pretty shaky-"

-but Mark couldn't do this anymore, couldn't bear the pressure in the air, the weight of what he was sure was unspoken accusations and anger, all deserved, _he just needed to fix this-_

"I'm sorry!" he blurted out.

The room went still.

Johnny was the first to speak, brow creased. "... What?"

"I'm sorry," Mark stammered, a bit more desperately this time, suddenly afraid they wouldn't believe him _,_ "I know I screwed up, I don't know what happened, but it doesn't matter, it was selfish, everyone's exhausted and you're all dealing just fine, there's no reason for me to be so dramatic, I'm sorry, I'll make it up to you all, I _swear_ -"

Everyone was staring at him- _why was everyone staring at him?_

"Mark," Yuta said, looking increasingly horrified. "Do you think we're angry at _you?"_

Mark faltered. "I mean, aren't you? I disappeared, I made you all worry, I made Chenle _cry-"_

"You made more than just Chenle cry." Donghyuck muttered, only for Taeyong to elbow him and hiss, _"Now is not the time-"_

"I made _more_ than just Chenle cry," Mark continued, raising his voice as he got more distressed, "All because I was being _selfish_ and _stupid_ -"

"That's enough." Jaehyun said firmly, cutting him off. "Not one of us in this room thinks you are any of those things, and you're certainly not allowed to be saying those sort of lies about yourself."

Mark blinked at him, and sank back into the couch, a bit flabbergasted.

"No one's angry at you, Mark." Baekhyun said, and he held up a hand when Mark opened his mouth to protest because _of course they were, why wouldn't they be, he'd known them for seven years and he could see it painted across all of their tense faces._ "We're angry, yes, but not at you. No one is angry at you. We're angry that the company pushed you so hard that you had to disappear just to get a moment to breathe."

Mark shook his head, dropping his gaze to the carpet. "It's not their fault I can't handle it-"

"Mark." Baekhyun said, and his steady voice was so utterly _leader_ that Mark fell silent again. "I can't even remember half of the things you listed out from your schedule to me, let alone be expected to actually _do_ all of them. Not without burning out in a month." 

"He's got the Dream _and_ the 127 comeback." Johnny said.

"The SuperM recording for the two singles." Taeyong added.

Jaehyun grimaced. "The special SM stage." 

"He also said something about a show?" Baekhyun ventured, and the others looked to Mark, confused.

_That's right, he'd forgotten to tell them._

"They want me to be a seasonal guest on that new variety show, the one with Leeteuk-sunbaenim." he mumbled.

"What the _hell?"_ Dongyoung hissed, and Mark winced.

"I know I shouldn't complain," he hurried to say, sending a guilty look at Yuta.

But to his surprise, Yuta just squeezed his shoulder.

"Of course you should." he said simply. "It's good to have so many opportunities, but you can't take every single one, and SM shouldn't expect you too."

"You've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow by the way." Baekhyun spoke up. "The medic said you're clearly exhausted and overworked."

Mark shook his head. "I don't have time-"

"They've cancelled your schedule for the next fews days." Taeyong cut in. 

The leader's fists were clenched tight at the end of his jacket sleeves.

Mark blanched, thinking about all the work he must have missed out on today, and now everything he'd have to catch up on from the next few days as well. _No wonder Taeyong was frustrated._

"I'm sorry." he whispered, eyes turned down to the carpet. "I'm know I'm causing a lot of extra work for you guys."

Johnny slapped Taeyong's arm and jerked his head at Mark. 

"Oh, no, wait- I'm not angry at _you_." Taeyong hurried to say, eyes widening. "I'm mad because you needed a break six months ago and everyone let it slide. _I_ let it slide.

The leader shook his head sharply, expression melting into something angry again. "I should have noticed something was wrong and helped you long before this."

It took Mark a long moment to process this, so far from what he was expecting, and he sat up quickly.

"No, hyung, it's no your fault!" he said quickly. "You had no way of knowing; you're not a mind reader."

"I'm not _blind_." the leader spat out. "Management's been working you into the ground for months, and it clearly been catching up with you. I just thought after promotions were over..."

He trailed off.

_Because that's what they always said, right?_ After promotions were over, Mark would have time for a break. But when 127 promotions were over, then there were Dream promotions, and a few weeks later when Dream finally wrapped _theirs_ up too, it would be time for more SuperM promotions, and for U at some point, combined with the assorted activities for all the subunits and groups to keep the fans entertained scattered throughout it all, and concerts and tours, and then the cycle would start anew, over and over again.

"That's what we were saying Mark." Baekhyun explained, and reached out to squeeze his hand. "Management is making serious mistake with your schedule, they can't expect you to maintain all of that and still be healthy. The blatant disregard for your well-being is unacceptable; this could have had much worse results than it did." 

Mark searched his eyes, but no matter how hard he looked, he found nothing but warm honestly and regret. 

"Still." he managed to say, looking away. "I worried you all. I'm sorry."

Jaehyun gave a small shrug. "There's nothing to apologize for." he said easily. "Maybe just... tell one of your hyungs next time?"

"And if by some miracle none of your fifty NCT hyungs are available, then Kai, Taemin, and I are just a text away." Baekhyun told him. 

"What are us younger members, chopped liver?" Donghyuck muttered, and was resoundingly ignored.

"So... no one's angry?"

Mark risked a glance to Johnny and Dongyoung and Jaehyun and Yuta for confirmation. 

His gaze hesitated on Johnny, whose eyes had been stormy all night.

The man suddenly seemed to recognize Mark's uncertainty and immediately his expression cleared. "Oh, no, I'm not angry at you. I'm just debating the best way to burn down SM."

"I always thought that regular gasoline and a match would be the best way to go." Yuta said offhandedly.

"Maybe a blowtorch." Dongyoung chimed in, his eyes dark. 

_Um, that was kinda concerning... but sweet?_

"I'm... flattered?" Mark said. "But I don't want anyone to go to jail for arson because of me."

"Don't be silly, Mark." Baekhyun waved a hand, dropping into one of the armchairs. "I've had nine years to plan this, I wouldn't get _caught."_

"Well, I for one _am_ mad at you," Donghyuck snapped, and Mark blanched. O _f course, it was too much to expect they'd all be so easy-going about him literally disappearing-_

"Hyuck, I'm so sor-" 

"I'm mad you didn't invite me along!"

The words sank in and the Mark felt something in his chest finally relax.

"Oh." he said faintly.

The younger boy just huffed dramatically, and flopped down into the couch next to him.

"Of course I'm not mad, _stupid_." he muttered, and elbowed Mark hard, before dropping his head into his shoulder. 

And that seemed to break some sort of invisible boundary, because suddenly the rest of his members were crowding into the couch while Baekhyun looked on, vaguely amused, Jungwoo smug as he managed to snag the spot on Mark's other side, while the rest had to settle for being at least one other person away. Except for Johnny who just ruffled Mark's hair and plopped into one of the armchairs, and Yuta, who settled himself on the back of the couch, arms wrapped around Mark from behind. 

"How come I'm not allowed to call myself stupid but Donghyuck is?" Mark complained.

Jaehyun shrugged, reaching around Jungwoo and Dongyoung in an attempt to pat Mark on the shoulder, but he ended up only managing to brush the boy's sleeve before he had to give up, falling back into his portion of the couch.

"Cause we all know he's not serious." 

Donghyuck cracked an eye open to glare, half his face squished up against Mark's sweatshirt. "Excuse you, I'm _very_ serious."

Even Taeyong rolled his eyes, patting the boy's knee. "Whatever you say, Hyuckie." 

"Taeyong, Johnny and I are going to management tomorrow to talk about lessening your workload." Baekhyun said a while later, casual as could be, like there wasn't a very high possibility of that exploding in their faces. "We've got a strongly worded note from the medic about the long-term dangers of overworking so they shouldn't be able to argue." 

Mark just winced. "They won't be happy."

"Yeah, well I'm very _not happy_ with them, so the feelings mutual." Johnny said. 

"All it would take is one forgotten candle left by a haphazard stack of lyrics." Donghyuck muttered. 

"A badly aimed firework?" Jaehyun suggested, tone strangely chipper.

"Too many things plugged into the same extension cord."

"Pot of spaghetti but oh no, someone forgot to add the water."

"Flamethrower." Jungwoo said cheerfully, and Mark twisted to gape at him.

Even precious Jungwoo too? Who wouldn't even kill bugs because _hey, humans are the ones that built this apartment building on their nice dirt in the first place, if anything_ we're _the ones trespassing, why don't you get out of ITS house?_

"Appropriately theatric." Johnny allowed. "But too obvious in the long run." 

"Malfunctioning lighter that somehow ended up in the closet with the flammable cleaning supplies?"

"Christmas tree lights left on overnight!"

"I don't know, guys, I'm still thinking the candle's our best bet-"

"No one is actually committing arson?" Mark interrupted as the suggestions got more and more detailed, giving a nervous laugh. "Right?"

The others were avoiding his eyes. He sat up, and Donghyuck grumbled as his head was jostled by the moment.

" _Guys_. Um." _He couldn't believe he had to say this_. "You can't- it's _arson_ \- the law- that's like millions of dollars worth of property damage- jail time-" None of his words seemed to be having any effect so he switched tactics. "We can't be NCT from prison _._ " 

"It doesn't matter if we if we don't get caught." someone muttered.

"What about just a little bit of arson?" Dongyoung asked hopefully. He leaned around Jungwoo to give Mark puppy eyes.

"No!" Mark declared loudly. "Not even a little bit!"

He only sat back again when he finally got some muttered agreements and slow nods. _Crisis adverted._

"Someone should probably call Ten and Renjun then." Johnny said offhandedly.

Mark's brow furrowed. "Wait, what are Ten and Renjun doing?" 

"Nothing! Nothing at all!" Dongyoung announced loudly, and Mark almost missed the following mutter, _"Not anymore at least."_

"It's probably for the best," Baekhyun admitted. "Kibum already called tossing the first match ten years ago. He'd be furious if we did it without him." 

Mark gaped, because _just how many of his members and sunbaes had plans for burning down their company-_

"Guys-"

"Don't worry about it, Mark." Taeyong soothed, snagging a drink off the forgotten tray. "Have a juice box. Your blood sugar's probably low." 

Baekhyun nodded supportively, and his hyungs were suddenly incredibly invested in discussing their favorite juice box flavors, so Mark let the topic slide.

But before he could snag the outstretched juice box, Donghyuck managed to intercept it and made a show of stabbing the straw through. He shoved it at Mark's face and the rapper barely leaned back in time to avoid getting poked in the eye.

"I can hold my own juice box." he said flatly. Donghyuck pouted. 

"Your blood sugar is so low, how will you even lift a hand?"

Mark raised an eyebrow and lifted both fully functional (albeit a little shaky) hands, completely ignoring the straw now digging into his cheek. Donghyuck didn't budge, not even when Mark added half-hearted jazz hands.

"I see nothing." he said, and nearly stabbed the straw up Mark's nose. 

Eventually, the rapper succeeded in wrestled the drink out of Donghyuck's hands, in part thanks to Yuta who started tickling the younger boy, and he only spilled a little on his own shirt despite the following chaos, thank you very much. By that time, someone must have texted Dream and WayV, because they were streaming into the dorm, all eager to hug Mark, or in the Dreamies case, scold him for not taking them along too.

He'd take them all back there, he promised, hopefully with permission next time, which Jaemin and Donghyuck of course complained took all the fun out of it.

Hendery and Jeno gathered up all the blankets and cushions in the apartment and scattered them across the living room, as there was definitely not enough room for twenty-four people on their two small couches (despite his members best attempts). 

Baekhyun found a moment to pull Mark aside during the impromptu redesign of the living room and tell him that Chanyeol had recommended Mark meet with a therapist too, if he felt up to it, and that the EXO hyungs had plenty of resources to help Mark out, with several of them having dealt with similar things. An _anxiety attack,_ Baekhyun had called it. Mark rolled the term over and over in his head. He must have looked a little lost and overwhelmed because his hyung just tugged him into another hug, and said he'd send him some links that could explain more.

And if Johnny and Taeyong and Yuta broke out the soju in the kitchen, given the way Yuta got even more clingy, Johnny's laugh just a little deeper, and Taeyong had to be persuaded against taking on management with his bare hands, well, Mark wasn't saying anything. Especially not when they got scolded by Kun while Baekhyun snuck a shot behind the Chinese hyung's back, and then pretended to be disapproving when Kun turned back around.

And then, a little bit later, Ten and Renjun burst in the door, looking far too innocent than either of their personalities warranted.

"You won't believe who we ran into in the company's completely unrelatedly extremely flammable basement!" Renjun announced, stepping to the side.

Kai and Chanyeol waved, and Baekhyun made a show of looking surprised. 

Mark would have questioned it, but frankly he was half asleep already, head on Jaehyun's shoulder this time (they'd all been taking shifts next to Mark). So Kai and Chanyeol just plopped down into the cushion covered floor and settled in to watch whatever movie would result from the complex sounding elimination system Shotaro had invented because they'd already been arguing for forty-five minutes over the options.

Mark wasn't worried about it. Maybe he would be, if Jisung's joking movie suggestion _Barbie: A Fairy Secret_ continued inexplicably winning the eliminations rounds, already well on the way to victory, but for now he had his members around him (plus one new hyung by the looks of it too) and despite the weight of several blankets and Yukhei draped over half his lap and his chest, Mark could breathe.

"Yah, Xuxi, time's up! Stop hogging Mark, it's my turn to cuddle him!"

"Hey, wait, _I'm_ up next!"

"No, its my turn before _both_ of you-"

"Guys, can I go? I forgot my number, but I've been waiting for two hours already-"

" _NO!"_

"... If no one else is gonna to sit down."

"Jungwoo, don't even think about it, you've already snuck two extra turns, let someone have Mark-"

"For real, it's _my_ turn now- Yangyang, I know those tears are fake don't even try me-"

"Geez, all of you calm down! This is ridiculous. You can argue as much as you like about this... but I'm not waiting another twenty minutes. Because its _my_ turn not either of yours."

"What, absolutely not- _mOVE!_ "

" _YOU_ MOVE!"

"If either of you wake up Mark, I _swear-_ "

"Um, guys... can we go ahead and start the movie now? I want to see what color wings Barbie gets."

**Author's Note:**

> (Taemin was there in spirit.)
> 
> Things have been absolutely chaotic in the world recently, so if you can, take a moment to check in with yourself and rest and breathe and remember that this too will pass. Sending you all the very best vibes!! <3
> 
> Chanyeol was guiding Mark through a version of a real grounding technique based on the five senses, where you list off 5 things you see, 4 things you feel, 3 things you hear, 2 things you smell, and 1 things you taste. It can help when feeling overwhelmed with anxiety as it focuses on re-centering in the present moment by concentrating on your senses, instead of on your thoughts.
> 
>   
> If you're struggling with your mental health, please don't stay silent! The biggest lies my brain told me were that I shouldn't bother people, no one would want to hear it, and my problems weren't bad enough to seek help. If you've been looking for a sign to take that step and reach out and tell someone you trust, this is it. It's scary but it's worth it. You deserve support, no matter who you are.


End file.
